I’m spontaneous. I make heartbeat decisions based on what I’m feeling like at the time. Sometimes it works in my favor and other times I want to jump off the Genesee Street Bridge. Case in point, I meet a guy from California (so he says…he knew way too much about Utica and the surrounding area to claim Cali. I don’t give a damn if someone left Utica and came back after 20 years…they’re still a Utican). He was great conversation and had a certain swagger I was attracted to. Now I didn’t say he was attractive….he was *vanilla in my eyes…swagger is a certain way a man carries himself…it’s not cocky or arrogant…but when you see someone with swagg you”ll know exactly what I’m talking about. He was a great dresser and wore these sexy dark rimmed glasses I often found myself fantasizing about…like him teaching me a math lesson…naked.

After countless flirty emails and text messeges I propositioned him….just sex, no strings, no spending the night, no dates, just stick and move. He gladly accepted and admitted that he was shocked I approached him…in a good way. We made plans for the weekend. He was a no call, no show. No big deal, I thought. When I spoke to him on the following Monday he stated that he lost his cell phone and didn’t find it until that morning. Of course, I didn’t believe him. I even stated to him that he doesn’t have to explain anything to me. I’m not your girlfriend, I politely reminded him. He then proceeded to try and make it up to me by suggesting we stay the night at The Turning Stone. He expected me to be uber impressed, but I wasn’t. Look, you’re trying to do all this extra shit and it just isn’t that serious, I told him. Plus, I didn’t want to spend the night with him…at all. But I let him talk me into it. Why? Because I was fucking bored to death.

So, I wait for him to pick me up that Friday…he never shows up! He is WACK! I call my cousin/bestie Giselle and vent. I vent because I nixed plans with my number ones (good friends) to hang out with this loser and he doesn’t even bother showing up. I meet my friends out and get bent (drunk) and meet another “boy” whom I will discuss at another time.

When I saw him on Monday he had a closet full of excuses that my mind will no longer allow me to remember. At the end of the day, he left an envelope on my desk. I opened it. A sloppy note read: This is not part of my apology. Excuses? I have none. I don’t know why I didn’t show up. Besides the obvious, this is all you missed….”. I looked back in the envelope to find five 20 dollar bills. I thought, “Did this motherfucker just play me?!?”  Wow! That was brand new. I felt worse when I realized that he thought my chocha was only worth $100!!!! I had to laugh that shit off. I was perplexed and like a woman mistakedly does, thought I did something wrong.

He called that night to explain that it was taken out of context. He said he would’ve given me $100 to gamble with at the casino…but something came up. I gave the money back to him the next day. I guess he expected me to be impressed. I’m the type of woman that isn’t easily impressed. Maybe if I was hulled-out that would’ve impressed me. That dude was weird and only that type of weirdness could only be born and raised in Utica. After a few weeks we occasionally spoke again. He admitted that he was intimidated by me and felt like he wouldn’t be able to meet my standards. And you wouldn’t have, I thought. Some men save themselves from the utter mortification of a woman telling them that thier sex is horrible. And I totally get that. As a matter of fact, I appreciate the fact that a man, knowing he would most likely not meet my standards, decided not to waste my fucking time. Kudos!!

But why go through all the hoopla of making and breaking appointments if that was the case? Men are clearly impossible. There is no method to their madness. They just do dumb shit to waste your time. I mean, it’s so simple….it’s either yes, Chloe, I would love to have sex with you…..or, no thanks, I don’t want to, and I won’t continue to waste your precious time. I know this has been said a million times by every woman on the planet but…..guys are fucking dumb.

 

*Vanilla: I often use this word to describe anything that’s average. There is nothing special about vanilla and I may not even want more of whatever I describe as such. For example; When my bestie asks, How was the sex with your new boo?  I shrug, make a face, and reply, Hmm, okay. It was…vanilla. I will most likely use this word to describe men and sex.